1. Plan your route
This doesn’t need to be an insane, D-Day type assault on the beaches of boozing. But a little forethought goes a long way, especially when you might be in a situation where you’re willing to agree to just about anything. Just give yourself a vague outline, sort of like the way you planned a general trick-or-treat route on Halloween when you were a kid.
2. Don’t Skip the Big Boys
Okay, I know Budweiser might seem like the enemy of the smaller breweries just down the road. And I know you can slurp Bud Light at damn near any bar in these United States. But the Budweiser tour offers something that the others don’t: a full-on walkaround in one of America’s largest breweries. Have you ever seen a Clydesdale in real life?
3. Pick a Date
Picking the date is as important as just about anything. By undertaking a beer tour, you are putting yourself up with professionals. The last thing you want is a bunch of frat boys getting housed standing in your way, occupying your bartenders, and overall blinding you with their overly graphic graphic tees. Frat boys have their place, and it’s naked under a paddle in a homoerotic display of contempt for poors. Saturday is pretty much your only option, but hedge your bets by touring when the fools are out of town: Spring Break, Summer, or just hit the road earlier in the day.
4. Get a Ride.
Look, I’m not Officer Whoever saying that drinking and driving will end you up dead in a ditch. In fact, there is a favorite billboard of mine that says, “Drinking a Boating: a deadly combination” and frankly I had never considered the possibility until I saw the billboard, and even more frankly, it still sounds pretty damn fun to me. But what I AM saying is that you might not think you will be tipsy. You might think that you can maintain, and maybe you can. But when your buddies are passing around their 8th rounds only part-way into the afternoon, you are going to be damn upset you broke off a relationship with a 19 year-old just two days ago.
5. Here is the list
New Belgium Brewery: Tues-Sat on the half hour. Make a reservation www.newbelgium.com. Start here because tours fill up and you need to make reservations.
Anheisur Busch: 10-4. http://www.budweisertours.com/toursFTC.htm. Hit this one next. It’s kind of on the outskirts of town.
Fort Collins Brewery: Sat: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 http://www.fortcollinsbrewery.com/tours.html
Odells: Mon-Sat: 1, 2, 3 (Tap Room 11-6) www.odells.com
Coopersmiths: No tours, but open til 11 most days. Your last stop. www.coopersmithpub.com
6. Hate Walking? Who Says You Have To?
I know, you seen one big-ass metal tank, you’ve seen them all. Maybe you’ve toured a couple buildings and you’re over it. Or maybe the smell of hops gets you too thirsty. Well, my friends, there are two parts to every tour. There’s the walking around part, and there’s the part where you let your taste buds do the walking. It’s cool to see the places your favorite beers are concocted, but don’t let a fun afternoon turn into the classic Angry Quest to Finish. Sit back, enjoy a beer, and let the suckers do the walking.
7. Leave the Professor at Home
Everybody has that friend, the one who has to know goddamn everything about goddamn everything. Well you know what that guy doesn’t need to know? The date of your pilgrimage. Lets see him calculate that! By the time the day is over you’ll know more about beer than you do the baby you abandoned at the fire station all those years ago. Just because you’re getting loaded doesn’t mean you have to talk about ingredients, pouring styles, and all that other pretentious stuff. Just relax with friends and make it up to the professor by taking him to the Hall of Life next weekend.
8. Plan an Ending
Like a shitty novel, a beer tour can easily have an end that just trails off into the middle-distance. Finish strong, somewhere you can sit down, relax, and maybe get a bite to eat. Coopersmiths brews their own beer, so you can keep with the motif of variety without running around anymore.
9. Leave Your Phone at Home
Did Lewis and Clark stop mid-trek to write “LOL” on little scraps of paper and attach them to pigeon’s legs? No. Did Shackelton’s expedition come to a grinding halt every time he wanted to respond to a question that could easily have been answered long after he was done nearly freezing to death? Hell no. And just like those intrepid explorers, you too should be unimpeded by ties to home. You’ll be back later. Enjoy the day, enjoy the company, and you’ll either get home or crash into a ditch and die. Either way, the phone is useless.
10. Skip the Burrito Cart Right Outside the Aggie in Old Town.
The guy who works that thing was a complete asshole last time I was there, so fuck him. If you take one piece of advice from this, it’s Fuck Him! I know a burrito sounds good, but let’s stay on message here. Fuck Him!
10 Tips for a Successful Northern Colorado Beer Tour
1. Plan your route
This doesn’t need to be an insane, D-Day type assault on the beaches of boozing. But a little forethought goes a long way, especially when you might be in a situation where you’re willing to agree to just about anything. Just give yourself a vague outline, sort of like the way you planned a general trick-or-treat route on Halloween when you were a kid.
2. Don’t Skip the Big Boys
Okay, I know Budweiser might seem like the enemy of the smaller breweries just down the road. And I know you can slurp Bud Light at damn near any bar in these United States. But the Budweiser tour offers something that the others don’t: a full-on walkaround in one of America’s largest breweries. Have you ever seen a Clydesdale in real life?
3. Pick a Date
Picking the date is as important as just about anything. By undertaking a beer tour, you are putting yourself up with professionals. The last thing you want is a bunch of frat boys getting housed standing in your way, occupying your bartenders, and overall blinding you with their overly graphic graphic tees. Frat boys have their place, and it’s naked under a paddle in a homoerotic display of contempt for poors. Saturday is pretty much your only option, but hedge your bets by touring when the fools are out of town: Spring Break, Summer, or just hit the road earlier in the day.
4. Get a Ride.
Look, I’m not Officer Whoever saying that drinking and driving will end you up dead in a ditch. In fact, there is a favorite billboard of mine that says, “Drinking a Boating: a deadly combination” and frankly I had never considered the possibility until I saw the billboard, and even more frankly, it still sounds pretty damn fun to me. But what I AM saying is that you might not think you will be tipsy. You might think that you can maintain, and maybe you can. But when your buddies are passing around their 8th rounds only part-way into the afternoon, you are going to be damn upset you broke off a relationship with a 19 year-old just two days ago.
5. Here is the list
New Belgium Brewery: Tues-Sat on the half hour. Make a reservation www.newbelgium.com. Start here because tours fill up and you need to make reservations.
Anheisur Busch: 10-4. http://www.budweisertours.com/toursFTC.htm. Hit this one next. It’s kind of on the outskirts of town.
Fort Collins Brewery: Sat: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 http://www.fortcollinsbrewery.com/tours.html
Odells: Mon-Sat: 1, 2, 3 (Tap Room 11-6) www.odells.com
Coopersmiths: No tours, but open til 11 most days. Your last stop. www.coopersmithpub.com
6. Hate Walking? Who Says You Have To?
I know, you seen one big-ass metal tank, you’ve seen them all. Maybe you’ve toured a couple buildings and you’re over it. Or maybe the smell of hops gets you too thirsty. Well, my friends, there are two parts to every tour. There’s the walking around part, and there’s the part where you let your taste buds do the walking. It’s cool to see the places your favorite beers are concocted, but don’t let a fun afternoon turn into the classic Angry Quest to Finish. Sit back, enjoy a beer, and let the suckers do the walking.
7. Leave the Professor at Home
Everybody has that friend, the one who has to know goddamn everything about goddamn everything. Well you know what that guy doesn’t need to know? The date of your pilgrimage. Lets see him calculate that! By the time the day is over you’ll know more about beer than you do the baby you abandoned at the fire station all those years ago. Just because you’re getting loaded doesn’t mean you have to talk about ingredients, pouring styles, and all that other pretentious stuff. Just relax with friends and make it up to the professor by taking him to the Hall of Life next weekend.
8. Plan an Ending
Like a shitty novel, a beer tour can easily have an end that just trails off into the middle-distance. Finish strong, somewhere you can sit down, relax, and maybe get a bite to eat. Coopersmiths brews their own beer, so you can keep with the motif of variety without running around anymore.
9. Leave Your Phone at Home
Did Lewis and Clark stop mid-trek to write “LOL” on little scraps of paper and attach them to pigeon’s legs? No. Did Shackelton’s expedition come to a grinding halt every time he wanted to respond to a question that could easily have been answered long after he was done nearly freezing to death? Hell no. And just like those intrepid explorers, you too should be unimpeded by ties to home. You’ll be back later. Enjoy the day, enjoy the company, and you’ll either get home or crash into a ditch and die. Either way, the phone is useless.
10. Skip the Burrito Cart Right Outside the Aggie in Old Town.
The guy who works that thing was a complete asshole last time I was there, so fuck him. If you take one piece of advice from this, it’s Fuck Him! I know a burrito sounds good, but let’s stay on message here. Fuck Him!