As you may have noticed, Greeley is a town with just a little bit of indie coffee joints and a whole lot of Starbucks’ (Starbuckses? Starbucksi?). But when it’s time to roll around town to the various Starbucks, one has to be better than the others, right? We all know that one Roma is better than the other. Those of us who own non-pajama plaid pants know that one golf course is better than the other. So it follows that one Starbucks should be better than the others. That’s what I wanted to find out.
Note: In-store Starbucks’, such as those in Safeway and Target and tattoo shops will not be counted because, well, that would have been a lot of work and because one of those three does not actually exist.
Starbucks @ HWY 34 and 11th Avenue
This one has some definite pluses and minuses. And sometimes those things can cross over. For example, much of the seating in this particular Starbucks is what I like to call “Elementary School Cafeteria-Style Seating.” You sit at a 4-6 person table and wait in terror for who will sit next to you. Maybe it will be a co-ed in a college hoodie, maybe it will be a co-ed in Victoria’s Secret Pink sweats, or most likely it will be one of those two except she will spend the next forty minutes sitting in front of an open book with about 80 highlighters while she talks on the phone about things of a mathematical (read: X number of drinks divided by X number of hours equals a mistake of X magnitude) nature.
Also, their décor includes a handful of mirrors in ornate frames hanging on the wall. Not a good thing when you can confirm that you are the winner for Shittiest Personal Grooming in the room.
On the plus, they have the largest patio and it’s not directly situated next to a busy road of some kind.
Finally, I have to subtract points because the person working the register knew my first name, where I went to high school, and the name of my best friend. That would be fine except that I didn’t not know ANY of those three things about that person. My coffee didn’t smell like drugs, I didn’t wake up in any kind of dungeon, so I think I got away free of stalker poisoning. This time.
Starbucks @ HWY 34 and 47th Avenue
This Starbucks has the distinction of winning 2nd place in the Hardest Parking Lot to Escape category. You have the option of turning right, OR you can simply drive through an alley, through a McDonald’s parking lot, through a Lowe’s parking lot, and finally out into freedom to make a right or a left. Ah, America!
Something else I must say is that the drive-thru system is a little flawed here. For starters, if you go inside it is likely that you will start talking to an employee, thinking that you’re having a discussion about what you would like today, only to discover that they are actually talking to someone who is sitting in their car outside via microphone. This sort of thing is expected in upscale clothing shitholes like Charlotte Ruse, where for some reason it is appropriate to blast horrible dance music all day, but shouting to someone across the store is insane. But in a coffee house, it’s a little extra off-putting.
The other serious issue with the drive-thru is that there is no escape once you’re in line. Some drive-thrus give you the option to order, sit in line behind someone who must have ordered all of everything, fear running out of gas, consider honking, decide that would do nothing, then drive off angry and hoping that the Wendy’s employee will be heartbroken to see you waiting in the Taco Bell line across the street. But once you’re in the Starbucks line, you’re stuck, baby! Concrete, grassy slopes, and likely sniper nests all keep you right where you are. On the plus, you have plenty of time to decide what you’re going to tell your boss when you’re 40 minutes late. I keep around a traffic ticket and alter the date as necessary. Nobody questions that one.
Starbucks @ 10th St. and…well, Wal-Mart
This Starbucks wins the award for Most Likely to Play an Instrumental Role in a Fatal Car Accident. For starters, they have the oddest parking lot of all time. You enter and it’s impossible to tell which way you’re supposed to park. Or whether that’s even a good idea.
Sometimes when I look at a piece of real estate, I consider the neighbors. In this case, we have a closed Chinese restaurant, a check-cashing store, a liquor store, and what I think must be a haircut place judging by the ladies in black smocks always smoking outside. And Wal-Mart.
This is not going to be an anti-Wal-Mart thing because I think we’ve heard it all. All I have to say is that I wouldn’t go into a Starbucks that was located, oh, inside of a bee’s nest made of Skoal.
Starbucks @ 35th Ave. and 20th Street
This is my “home” Starbucks. If you’re trying to figure out which Starbucks is your “home” location, simply start walking and smoking a cigarette. Whichever one you’re closest to when you finish is your “home” location. I think that it says that on their web site somewhere…
Having a Home location has advantages. People know you. They know what you’re going to order and ask you questions beyond “Would you like to try a shitty tube of instant coffee that you buy in a place where you can buy coffee that is already made?” Having a Home location also has disadvantages. People know you. People like the guy who went to my old gym and once stripped naked and asked me if he looked fat. He did look a little fat. Also, he had male genitals. Not my favorites.
What I can say for certain is that all Starbucks have distinct advantages and disadvantages. Maybe one has an obnoxious employee who is overly cheerful. Maybe one has a bathroom where the cabinets are unlocked and you can score as much toilet paper as you can wrap around your legs and pull your pants up over. Maybe all of them have a chair that is used either for sitting in or collecting farts. What I’m saying is that all Starbucks were created equal, but some adapt to have certain advantages. An enterprising young person might create a spreadsheet of these. A less-enterprising person might create a spreadsheet of these. A less-enterprising person might make a pie chart. A person like me would eat Fritos for brunch and call it a day.
One Comment
My fave is the one at Centerra. I love you Centerra Starbucks. Your coffee somehow tastes less burnt.