Before I proceed any further, I should qualify my rather harsh opinions by stating that they are entirely based on observations made in a small section of Fort Collins.  These observations and related assertions do not translate well to larger urban settings such as downtown Denver where I feel that most of the homelessness and panhandling activity is legitimate.

Is anyone else noticing the explosion of panhandling occurring up and down the I-25 corridor?  Maybe they’re just targeting my marginally affluent pocket of NoCO’s suburban wasteland.  This strange assortment of sign toting mendicants and middle class dropouts has recently flared up like an ebola outbreak.

They’re everywhere, pacing the freeway on and off ramps, leaning desperately at street corners, and sloppily straddling backpacks in the grassy edges of retail centers. They peer at me quizzically as I enter the grocery store parking lot and then sometimes angrily as I leave.   At the big intersections in town there’s a good chance three or four corners will be occupied.  The same indigents camp out in strategic locations for 6-8 hour shifts for weeks at a time. They’ve become fixtures in the human landscape like the sign twirlers.  But instead of advertising a cheap oil change or a discounted tax service, they announce our nation’s descent towards banana republic status with their tawdry cardboard signage and slouching semaphore.

I see them when I leave for work in the morning and again in the same spot when I return home. Monday through Friday. Come Saturday morning when I venture out for a cup of coffee, the majority of these jokers are nowhere to be found.  WTF? Is there some kind of beggar’s credo that says a person can only solicit for spare change during banker’s hours?

I’m not insensitive to the plight of the homeless or indigent.  Every holiday season I dutifully send a check down to cover at least 10 meals for those less fortunates lined up at the Denver Rescue Mission. But with regards to this new social paradigm, I’m approaching it with a healthy dose of you-have-got-to-be-fucking-kidding-me cynicism.

When a significant number of these tenuous transients appear to be outfitted with boots, jackets, and other apparel from REI, and are for the most part better groomed then I usually am as I drive past them on the way to work, I start to question the whole gig.  Was that a fresh cup of Starbucks coffee steaming in the morning air?  And how is it possible that those two attractive (in a feral sense) female hobos are sporting sparkling blue Oakleys and fleece-lined bandanas that would not appear out of place on an Aspen ski slope?

One guy on a sidewalk near my local Vitamin Cottage camouflages himself with a dark hoody, scarf, and enormous obsidian bank robber style sunglasses. Yeah, I’m going to hand over my hard-earned currency to the Unabomber. He’s either been horribly disfigured in an industrial accident or he’s one of my neighbors.  I would guess the later.

That clean cut gentleman over there, with his penny loafers and pressed khaki slacks (impeccably dressed even in these trying times) is foisting a 100 yard guilt trip on me from across the parking lot as I try to eat my .99 burrito in my 22 year old vehicle.  He could be a former insurance salesman or an inactive bank teller or one of my uncles.  Today, he’s just an asshole who’s giving me indigestion.

So let’s get to the gist.  I know that there are people who need help out there.   Unfortunately, there are a significant number of unsavory individuals who are taking advantage of the situation and gaming the whole economic downturn.  This is a double tragedy for the folks that are truly in need.  By creating an air of unreliability to an already uncomfortable situation, the hucksters, grifters, new age con artists, whatever you want to call them, are giving the homeless a bad name.

Unless you see someone scrounging in a dumpster for food there’s really no way to tell how desperate or deserving of a handout that person is.  They haven’t been certified homeless or poor by a nameless government agency.  They’re just asking for free money, with no questions asked.

So here’s a little advice from the captain….

First off, if you can afford to…. Give generously to your local food bank, charitable organization, and homeless shelter.  For the most part, these reliable institutions deserve all the help they can get.

Secondly, if you are able, donate your time to these same institutions.

Thirdly, don’t bother hoping that the Federal, State, or local governments will ever do anything useful with regards to this issue.   A good rule of thumb is to just completely give up on government and you will never be disappointed.

And finally, feel free to engage the panhandlers in conversation.  You may learn something.  A short dialogue should satisfy your curiosity and might even assuage your impulse to give away money to an absolute stranger.  Ask them where they’re headed and if they would be interested in a bagged lunch that you have packed for just this occasion.  The response might surprise you.

~ Captain Sensible